Forgiving, Forgetting, Moving On...

The past week was just one of those weeks where almost every stress I've had in my life lately seemed to come to a head. You've heard that when it rains, it pours...well, last week it flooded. And it left me drained, physically, emotionally, and creatively. It's difficult to be at odds with people, particularly people I care deeply about. But I've come to realize that, at some point, we all have to take a stand for what we believe is right...even when it royally ticks others off.

Due to building frustrations over several different issues, I have said a number of things in the past weeks that were not expressed as kindly as they could have been. Even though I believe what I intended with my words was justified, the hurtful way the words were received was not a part of that intention. I have apologized for that, but to date, the apology has not been accepted. As a result, I believe that I have come to an end of friendship into which I've invested quite a lot of myself. It's been a long, bumpy, emotional road, but it's still tragic to see its demise...especially in the way that it happened.

However, whether it's a coincidence or divine intervention (I believe the latter), I have recently heard from several different sources the importance of forgiving AND forgetting. Not forgetting the friendship or the friend, but forgetting the wrongs...and moving on. I can't make my friend forgive me. Anyway, if I tried to push that, it would probably only make the situation worse. I've sincerely apologized, so all I can do now is offer my friend forgiveness and move on. If I hold on to it, all it will do is continue to bring me down. And there's no point in that. I have to let it go.

As a writer, I rely on conflict to make my stories interesting and to keep them moving forward. But in my personal life, I despise conflict with a passion. Though, I do have a bit of a temper, I rarely lose it. Instead, I'm more of a middle ground type of person. I like to look at situations from as many points of view as I can before making any sort of judgment. And I like to keep the peace whenever possible. Am I always successful at this? Obviously not. But I try. And I will continue to try in the future. Still, in this situation, I can't sit back on my heels and wait for something to change. I've opened my heart to reconciliation, but if my friend doesn't want that, then that's her choice. I'm forgiving, putting it behind me, and moving on.

Forging Ahead

Well, a day has passed, and I'm still not a paid writer, but if I had achieved my goal that quickly, then it wouldn't have been much of a challenge, would it? Anyway, that wasn't really my focus today. Instead, I took a step towards resolving another issue that has been sucking some of my creativity and taking up far too much of my attention. It may be quite a while before this particular stress is fully resolved, but I did finally take action today. I stood up for myself, which is something that I've let fall by the wayside far too often lately. Baby steps, right? But this was an important one...one that will help clear the path before me. I'm consciously seeking out positive energies and optimistic spirits, and I'm building my defenses against the negativity and the doubts. Tomorrow night I will face another great test of this new determination. This time I will face it not on behalf of myself but on behalf of my friend. I will be a part of her support system as she, like me, faces something that has grown a lot bigger and uglier than it ever should have. However, I'm ready. It's time for resolution - in my case and hers. We're both at places in our lives where we need to forge ahead and move on. And there's nothing wrong with that.

In a writing report, I now have two projects on which I'm pushing ahead. There's the one I've spoken of before, which is an independent project. But my writing partner and I are also diving right into a collaborative effort. I'm excited about both! Stay tuned! Perhaps I'll share a few little snippets...but not too much...wouldn't want to ruin the story for you!

A Year In The Life...

Today, I allowed myself some time to wander around one of my favorite places in the world...a bookstore...in this case Barnes and Noble. Anyone who has ever helped me move just involuntarily groaned at the thought that I've added a few more books to my collection. Well, of course I did! I couldn't resist it! Anyway, I was looking for a little inspiration. With all the stress and chaos of the last couple of weeks, the well of creativity has gotten pretty shallow, and I'm in desperate need of a little refreshment. Fortunately, I think I might have come across just the book...A Year with C.S. Lewis: Daily Readings from His Classic Works.

I love C.S. Lewis! I own a copy of most everything he's written, and I am forever amazed at his depth and perspective. I like that fact that he can relate to his readers on so many different levels, and I always seem to discover something new in his words. The book I bought today is just what the subtitle says it is...a book of daily readings from his various works. Though I have yet to fully delve into my first reading, at first glance, the excerpts seem short but thought-provoking...exactly the little bursts of inspiration and encouragement for which I've been looking.

The thought of spending the next 365 days skimming through some of Lewis' most treasured works made me start thinking a bit about my life...about how far I've come in the last year...and how far I hope to go in the next. In day-to-day life, it feels like I've been spinning my wheels since last August...getting my hopes up about the prospect of this job, this opportunity, this new relationship, only to have it all end in disappointment. It's not that the whole year has been a disappointment...it's just that it hasn't gone quite like I had hoped it would. However, I think at some point down the road, I'll look back on this time and realize that what I've learned over the last 365 days was invaluable to my future. I've certainly had a few tough lessons in patience and perseverance...and I've realized more and more what a treasure my family really is. I've learned that some friends stick around forever, just as close as family...and other "friends" will abandon you as soon as you're no longer any real use to them. I've come to understand that it's okay to take time out for myself and to say no every now and then. And I've admitted to myself that even though I long to find that one man with whom I will spend the rest of my life, I am a bit relationship-phobic...or perhaps commitment-phobic...or maybe it's just indecisive. Actually, I think it's that I over-analyze relationships just as I over-analyze most every decision I face. I suppose I just need to allow myself to go with the flow a bit more...step out in faith, expecting success rather than disappointment. Maybe that's what I fear most...disappointment.

Next year, on August 23, I hope I can say I took what I learned this last year and applied it to my life. I hope I've taken steps forward instead of backwards. I hope I've faced my path with enthusiasm and not dread, hope and not fear, expecting success and not disappointment. But I think it's also important to set tangible goals as well...so when August 23, 2010, rolls around, I am setting the goal that I will be a paid writer in some form or fashion. I'm not talking about on the New York Times Bestseller level...I'm just talking about selling an article or a short story or a script...just something...some step forward.

Just by typing that, the fear is already creeping in that I might fail. I might not achieve that goal. But I have 365 days, and really nothing to lose...anyway, what if I succeed? I'll just keep my eyes on that. So 365 days...

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken by: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the tother, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy ans wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by And that has made all the difference.

I copied the above Robert Frost poem off the Internet as I didn't have the energy to dig out my own copy from the depths of my bookshelf...so if you note any discrepancies, that is the reason.

This poem has been on my mind and in my heart the past few days. I am at a crossroads in not just one but several different aspects of my life. There are hard choices to be made and unpleasant things with which I must deal. I'm drained emotionally and physically...and it's greatly affected my writing and my creativity. Which path is the one for me - the one that's a bit overgrown, but reserved just for my step? Will I recognize it when the time comes...or will I be lured by the path that seems easiest? Right now, few of my choices seem easy. Honestly, I'm searching for a little peace and a little assurance.

But despite everything, I am thankful for my blessings. I have work - for now - and I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, and a family that loves me more than I probably deserve. Also, I have hope for the future. I come from the sticks, and I've learned through growing up there that often the most beautiful, most magnificent, most breath-taking places are only found by venturing down the rockiest, ugliest, prickliest paths. That's what I hope to find in my life...the path less traveled, but the path that was meant just for me. That, I believe, will make all the difference.

Thank you, Robert Frost, for giving words to thoughts I've been trying to express.

Perspectives

Last night, I attended a Bible study on the act of submission at my church, and one of the questions posed asked, "If Ephesians 5:21 ('Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ') is taken seriously, how will it change the way you live your life?"

Of course, I was the first one in the circle to have to answer the question, but I think often the quick answers are the most truthful. I said that if I honestly subjected myself to others out of reverence for Christ, my life would probably change in that I would take a little more time to stop and look at things from the perspectives of those around me. This is something that I do consciously attempt to practice, but I am the first to admit that I, at times, get tunnel vision in regards to my personal goals and ambitions and slip into the mindset that everything should go exactly as I have planned. But, as most of you have already figured out, life rarely ties itself up with such a perfect, neat little bow.

Another thought-provoking statement from the study said, "Submission is not putting another under our authority. Submission is laying down the terrible burden of always needing to get our own way." Whether you're "religious" or not, I think you can find some truth in these words. It's difficult to live with the drive, the passion, the obsession of achieving a perfect perspective in an imperfect world. If we live with the insistence that we always be right, then more often than not, most of us will be sorely disappointed. I look at today's celebrities and political figures, and all I see is arguing for the sake of arguing. And usually, the two opposing sides are not posing their arguments directly to one another...instead, they fight their battles passive aggressively through the media, firing barbs at one another without ever actually coming face to face.

Perhaps, it's a little too idealistic, but I'd like to just see people sit down and talk it out. Maybe Obama wasn't that far off when he had the white police officer and the black professor sit down for a beer together. Did it resolve all the issues? No, I'm sure it didn't. But it allowed the two sides to speak directly to one another on a somewhat neutral turf. It gave them the forum to listen to one another and attempt to understand where the other was coming from. Does listening and understanding another perspective mean you agree with it? No, it doesn't, but at least you're able to get a clearer idea of the source...and, hopefully, gain a little respect for your adversary.

Recently, I've been a witness to one situation that could use this sort of understanding, and - unfortunately - I've been a participant in another. It's difficult when frustrations build up because of a lack of direct communication, but that is exactly what has happened in both of these cases. I think it's time for all parties concerned - myself included - to grow up and show a little respect to one another...and maybe this is just the opportunity for me to stand up, speak up, and be an example. I don't believe it's necessary for me to agree with the opposing side in either case, but it is necessary for me show respect for another human being trying to make his or her way through this world. We all get misguided as we stumble along in life, and we have to be willing to accept the advice necessary to correct our own paths, just as we have to be willing to reach out a hand to help guide others back to theirs.

Some new goals I'm adding to my list are to listen carefully, speak up when it's right, and show a great deal more respect. I'm sure it won't always go smoothly. The imperfections tend to find a way to intervene with the most perfect plans. But I'm still willing to give it a try.

Silence

There have been a lot of words spoken to me and a lot of words spoken by me today. Maybe there are some more words that should still be said, but tonight, I think I am just going to let the silence speak. I have been thinking a lot lately about perspectives, though - both mine and the perspectives of those around me. Perhaps that will be a good topic for tomorrow. Until then, good night...and take a little time to enjoy the silence.

Great Expectations

I work answering phones in the Tour Department at one of the studios here in the Los Angeles area. Since the Tour Department's number is the only public one for the entire studio, you can imagine that we get quite a few interesting calls throughout the day. Maybe some of the calls are jokes and maybe some of them aren't, but people call in with the great expectations of everything from speaking to stars to getting the opportunity to pitch a movie idea to the studio's highest executives.

Recently, I received calls from two separate young men, both seeking to break into the film industry as performers. Of course, I was unable to help them...and honestly, I did have a bit of a giggle at their expense. I mean if a girl from a small Alabama town with no stoplights can figure out that you don't get your start in the movie business by simply calling up one of the largest and most powerful studios in the world, then surely these two guys have the smarts to realize that for themselves! Anyway, after receiving calls like these day after day, all you really can do is have a little laugh and move on.

However, I've been thinking about these two guys over the last couple of days. Now, in reality, they may have been as certain as I am that their calls would get them no where...but perhaps they were willing to make them on the most miniscule chance that their greatest expectations would come true. That takes guts.

One of my greatest flaws is my fear of rejection. I recognize it for what it is, but I still can't seem to overcome it. It haunts me both professionally and personally. I've always heard that you won't really know the answer to your question unless you ask...but all too often, my questions lodge in my throat. I just can't get them to rise above that fear that the answer will be no.

These two guys - as well as all the others who call into the tour center on a daily basis seeking fame and fortune - aren't taking a logical or realistic path towards their goals. But there is a lesson to be learned from them...they are willing to risk appearing the fool (and have a few tour guides share a laugh at their expense) in order to ask the question. Yes, the answer is no...but maybe that "no" propels them towards the next step and the one after that and the one after that...and eventually - somewhere down the road - the answer just might be yes.

Like all these other people, I have great expectations for my life, and though I'm not always sure of the next step, I do have the dedication and the drive to at least take a chance. With each day I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm finding my path. I'm gaining the courage to ask my questions more and more. To take a chance. To have guts. After all, it doesn't hurt to just ask. Maybe someday the answer will be yes.

Fear of Plan B

I have a fear of Plan B...and before anyone gets any crazy ideas, I am not referring to the emergency contraceptive. I'm referring to the Plan B that comes after Plan A and before Plan C...if there is a Plan C.

Now, Plan B does have some really wonderful qualities. For one thing, it's always there to back you up while you're pursuing Plan A. As long as you're still on Plan A, you live with the comfort that if it ever doesn't work out, you can always just move right on to Plan B. That's a nice feeling...to know you have options. However, the trouble comes when you reach that point where you have to actually rely on Plan B and you haven't quite come up with Plans C, D, and E.

That's the point I'm nearing right now. Unfortunately, the combination of the recession and the everyday shortage of jobs within the entertainment industry has left me struggling in the career department...not to mention the financial one. Though I do still have a few more irons in the fire than a number of people, none of them are at the point where they can provide for my day-to-day existence. Because of this, I am seriously considering falling back on my Plan B, which is to head home to Alabama, take a few months to focus solely on writing, then look for a job to bring in some money until I sell a script or pen that next great American novel (or the next Harry Potter, which would probably be even better).

Now, as you probably deduced from my first post, the idea of Plan B is not something I'm necessarily opposed to. I miss my family, I miss my dog, and I miss the real stars (there are no street lights at home, so the stars are absolutely magnificent). Plus, I've always said that if I'm going to make it at this whole writing bit, I'm going to do it my way...and my way is rooted back home amongst the people and places from which my inspiration springs. However, I can't seem to quiet that little voice, which is echoed by everyone who assumes leaving means giving up the dream, that tells me to cling tight to California and Los Angeles. Is there a way to be in both places at once? Even I know the answer to this one, but it doesn't stop me from asking the question.

To me, Plan B isn't giving up...it's taking another approach, which - in all honesty - feels a little bit more like me. But taking that plunge into Plan B is like removing the safety net and stepping out in complete faith...faith that the right things will come along...faith that I will find my purpose in life...faith that by taking what appears - at first - to be a step backwards, I will, in the whole big grand scheme of things, actually be taking a giant leap forward. Faith like that is scary, but it's a necessary part of life. One of my favorite philosophers, the late, great Alabama football coach Bear Bryant, once said, "If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high - but so are the rewards." I think even Auburn fans can find value in that. I just have to trust that, as long as I continue to have faith in myself, I'll end up where I need to be, whether it's here or there or somewhere in between.

By the way, I have a rough outline of the first sequence of my new project. So far there's a murder, a secret, a little sex, and a movie premiere. Are you interested yet? I thought so! Stay tuned...it only gets better from here!

Profound Words for Simple Thoughts

I think my problem with blogging is that I feel consumed by the pressure to always post something profound and all-inspiring...but the truth of the matter is that my days are rarely profound and all-inspiring. I think the trick is to find the extraordinary in the mundane. I get so bogged down in my day-to-day activities that I rarely take the time to look at the amazing little occurrences that pop up amongst the monotony...or the crazy, unique characters that emerge from the masses around me.

Recently, I've been switching back and forth between reading two books: The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt. Yes, they're completely and entirely different in tone, characters, and location, yet they both present complex and intricate layers that have inspired me to further thought. I've been told the trick to good writing is to learn to love your most flawed characters, and, in my opinion, both of these writers have achieved just that. In life, it's often the "flaws" that we hold against others, even those we love. In art, it's those same "flaws" that serve to teach us something about ourselves and the world around us. For me, it's about combining the two...it's about learning to love the "flaws" in both the characters in my art and the characters in my reality...because God knows they've all had quite a lot of patience with mine.

My reading of the above books has been slow-going...mostly because I've been trying to balance work, writing, rest, exercise, and social life...and doing a very poor job at it, I might add. But I will finish. And I will move on to the others in my ever-growing stack...and perhaps revisit some old friends as I've felt To Kill a Mockingbird calling me for some time now. It's about baby steps, I suppose. Begin with something simple...and just finish what you start. Another thing I need to finish is the treatment for this new script I've been mulling around in my head for far too long. Maybe I should go get to work on that now.

Third Try's the Charm

I've ventured into the blogging world a couple of times before with unsuccessful results...mostly because after a few days of committed activity, I simply stopped posting.

However, this time around, I'm looking at it with a whole new perspective. I recently watched the film Julie and Julia, in which Julie Powell bettered herself and jumped started her writing career by blogging about her year of baking through Julia Child's cookbook Mastering the Art of French Cooking. While one of the goals I'm most passionate about is gaining success as a writer, the potential for an interesting blog to lead to that success is not the reason I'm giving blogging another try.

Instead, what I learned from Julie Powell's year with Julia is the importance of setting short-term goals that are both challenging and within reason. And blogs provide a public medium of accountability when working towards those goals. It doesn't matter whether this blog becomes widely read or not...it only matters that I transfer the goals in my heart to this screen. It creates a light at the end of the tunnel for me to strive towards, and it keeps a record of each success, whether major or minor.

The last year I've felt like I've been spinning my wheels as I've tired to break into the Hollywood scene through the means that everyone has told me are necessary. Hollywood has never been me...and I have a feeling it never will be. I'm a small town girl lured more by the gentle flowing of a quiet creek and the chirp of evening crickets than by the bright lights of the big city. It's this quality that makes my writing unique, and it's a part of me that I have to nourish and protect rather than suppress. I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but I think I'm finally finding my path.